My therapy lamp has not only boosted my mood, but my verbosity. It's made me aware of this sick, sad world and that it's NOT cliche, but a truth. Eventually the world will eat itself up, like a fat chick after a break up.

Needless to say 18 might be a bit more pessimistic and cynical than any other age before, though it will never be outdone by age 12. Dear sweet Jesus, what a year that was.

I cannot understand myself, but I think that takes preference over the rest of human kind, generally, and then grouped. I don't feel as if people I don't know matter any more, but to the depth that I know them... that can affect things.

Everything in life is just an incredible opinion, they make or don't make sense depending on whether or not it depends.

Truth is one of the biggest bullshits that has ever come into existence. I hate it so much. I hate the feeling of being betrayed, if there is even a feeling, but I hate having to trust people too, because of this "betrayal."

People say it's inhuman to not have feelings, but if we aim to assimilate ourselves wouldn't the common factor (lack of emotion) make us more what we have been trying to be than any thing else? Skin, race, creed, religion, sex, anything else?

I can't understand the hypocracy that happens because of what people have set up for themselves in order to prevent what has happened from happening. Eventually the politician who steals from the public isn't a hypocrite if he says he had, previously, wanted to give money to the public, he's just another goddamned statistic! He's a point. "A death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic." --- Josef Stalin. It's the same with hypocrites, is it not?

I think, once the world stops trying to prevent things that it's creating simultaneously THEN we can prosper, coexist, have peace, whatever you want to call it.

Human nature, in general, has been bugging me for the longest time, then I get the words from my boyfriend who is one of the most cynical, but enlightening, people I know next to my history teacher who studies about these statistical hypocrites!

I cannot articulate my thoughts currently in a coherent manner but I want to finish off with this rant (which might end up being longer than the previous.)

Good intentions are the root of all evil. There has not been a single good intention in the history of the world that has ended without corruption, destruction, objection, or people being blindly led to believe utter bullshit that's been served to them. Blindfolded people will smell it but they most likely won't have the mental capacity to be able to comprehend what is being served to them. Stupid sheep humans that good intentions and free will has bred!

I threw up word vomit on "dignity", "self-respect", and "respect for others" but I feel I'm not being heard. It's in total lack of self respect for yourself that you can utterly desecrate respect that others feel for you or you feel for them. I won't mention names, but it comes to an instance in which a horny man and his no-brained girlfriend have been lacking in their own self-respect and dignity, causing their respect for drop (in view of me and others towards them) because of their inability to comprehend the simple fact that what they are doing, and they may or may not realize this, is messing with my mind.

I have never wanted to sucker punch anybody as badly as I do them. Disrespect is one of the most intolerable things that I have ever believed in (ironic since I hate people and do not think they are respectable creatures... but they MAY be worthy OF respect, but that's another opinion).

I have never felt the sudden urge to drive out and prevent the entrance of certain people into certain places but I am more than willing to do so if it doesn't involve a total upheaval of my routine Saturdays.

People be the harbingers of doom.

Eventually when people stop trying to change the world (see paragraph about good intentions) will everybody be able to be happy. Why can't we all just get along? Because we're all different, that's why goddamnit!

These idiosyncrasy's are what will doom us all! Sometimes they're esoteric. Esoteric is, in itself, esoteric! It makes me either a good person for wishing we can get along, but it can make me a bad person because I want to shuck out individuality like any fascist/Nazi dictator who wants to nationalize and assimilate their people.

That is my good intention, which will turn rotten.

If anybody can understand any of this, then you are one of the few who will be doomed to think about the way the world should, does, will, won't work for the rest of your lives.

I have been having one.

Theatre is nearly done with for a couple of weeks, hopefully a month-esque week, before the One Acts. However, I went out last night and partied hard at Perkins, then at IHop, it was fun. I haven't felt that lively in a long time, and I didn't have to worry about feeling left out.

Brogan, Steve, and Darien were throwing sugar packets at each another, it was quite a night. Jessie, Karen, Diedre, and Lulu stopped by from their colleges and it was pretty awesome. Haven't seen them since they graduated, so it was nice.

This here is my last post as a 17 year old, for at midnight tonight, I will be 18. And I don't know what I'm going to do with myself.

All in all, 17 was a good year. It was rocky, it was depressing, stressful, but there were a lot of great things that happened that will always make me smile.

My first real date, my first kiss with Jesse, college acceptance letters, scholarships I received, my driving license (April 20th), my new friends, theatre, watching new movies I would have never watched otherwise, driving to Duluth more than I can count.

I'm all teary eyed... I have homework to do before the final show tonight. Let's make it a good one!